It's better here...

It really is. We love having him home.

Amon has been home for three days now. The most eventful change in our lives, in my opinion, has been our new colossal disregard for our circadian rhythms. The sun now rises and sets to Amon. His revolutions are not so gentle as mother earth's. Amon spins at a variable rate lasting 2 to 3 hours. In response to this hyper-condensed day-night-cycle, we are in the midst of serious time-management engineering. Our first innovation, the 'maternal-maintenance paternal nutrition episode'.

There was no way that Day could maintain feeding Amon every two to three hours for the next few months. His demands are insane. At times, he's banging his soother and rattle on the table 30 minutes after his last feed. He needs food and Day needs a break; a brief window of extended rest. The controversial solution: A single bottle feeding each day by me.

This wasn't an easy decision. There is a lot of stigma around picking up the bottle. Day feels the pressure, and was reticent to permit another nipple to supply her son. Her concern is reasonable. We have heard many great arguments for why Amon should be exposed to the breast and the breast alone. However, two factors contributed to my willingness to consider limited use of a bottle: the newness of breast-only feeding to Amon, and the need to keep Day healthy after her own major medical experience.

Amon's ability to consume breast milk was heavily monitored in the NICU. The hope was that, one day, he would consume a full feedings worth of milk from the breast. Before and after each feeding, Amon was weighed. The nurses would calculate the difference between the hoped-for and actual feeding amount and top him up via naso-gastric tube. On only one occasion did Amon successfully obtain a full feed from the breast. It was after this achievement that he was deemed ready for discharge and we prepared for our move to the overnight room.

We spent one night in "Hotel St Mike's". It was Amon's first without a supplemental naso-gastric feeding. The next morning, Amon lost a few grams on his last in hospital weigh in. They said that that wasn't surprising; Amon was going to pass through an adjustment period.

The following day, we went back to the hospital for Amon's first appointment with a paediatrician. The nurse weighed him and again they found his weight was down a little. Again, we were reminded that there was no need for alarm.

I could accept that two days of small weight loss is nothing to panic about with a baby like Amon. However, as first time parents dealing with an already complicated situation, accepting more uncertainty is still a challenge.

In the NICU we were slaves to quantitative data. Real-time monitors measured his heart rate, respiration rate, and blood oxygen saturation. Every day he was weighed on a very precise digital scale. Every feed was measured. Amon's progress could be neatly charted and summarized by an abundance of numeric values. In effect, we were preemie stat junkies.

Now, we were left with a lonely pair of integers and both indicated a downward trend. In the two days since breast-only feeding had begun, Amon was using more calories then he was ingesting. Worse, Amon wouldn't be weighed again for days and we would be without the reassurance of numeric feedback to let us know if the trend had reversed.

In a sense, the single bottle is a small means of reintroducing a little hard data into our lives. If I put fifty millilitres of mummy's milk in the bottle and Amon consumes them all, I know that he got one really solid feed that day. Moreover, I know that that one solid feed required relatively little energy expenditure on Amon's part as the bottle is substantially easier than the breast. Hopefully, Amon has a little more energy for all those other dozen high intensity feedings that occur throughout the day. The logic may be flawed and the science might not support us but our mental well being is important too and I feel good about it. Besides, we have another good reason to follow this course, it is good for mum's health.

Day was very sick and we can't forget that. She needs to take care of herself too. By letting her sleep through a single feeding she can get one extended rest per day. When all goes well, this could be a six or seven hour run. After two days with an extended sleep period, Day said she felt really good. We'll do it again tonight.

It was a tough decision and it was particularly challenging for Day. While we discussed it she said 'I feel like a vegetarian eating beef.' I'm really proud of you Day, you are taking wonderful care of your family.

On a selfish note, it is a magical treat for me. It is amazing holding him during and after the meal, a chorus of birds singing, the dark sky blushing, his warm little body on my chest...